if you ask me how i'm doing, this is what i'd like to say

I'm 20 weeks through this pregnancy (well, 18 weeks + 2 fake weeks - the stupid way pregnancies are counted is bugging me this time). So technically almost halfway, although I say it's not halfway until at least 22 weeks, what with 2 fake weeks at the start and the 2 overdue weeks I am expecting. (I go about pregnancy with extreme pessimism, because it tends to be justified.) I am working as hard as I can to be healthy, and let me tell you, it is more than eating a freaking apple every day. I'm doing all this work to try and get to a place where I feel okay instead of terrible, but so far I haven't had great results.

This time around my prenatal depression and anxiety are barely staying under control. I can usually make it until lunchtime before I start falling apart, but then the rest of the day is a write-off. I'm working on setting a schedule so that I have a structure to follow; it's just getting into the habit that's so difficult. I'm also working around a truly ridiculous number of appointments - midwife, counsellor, chiropractor, massage therapist, dentist, plus mom's group and library time every week. I'm a ball of stress and anxiety when the apartment is messy, and the depression takes over if I don't get good social time in every week. I feel more like I'm in a hamster wheel than I ever did while I was working (fully recognizing that I wasn't working plus parenting, which is a whole different level of crazy). I need to be doing all sorts of things for myself, like yoga and eating whole foods, going to church and getting outside, and then I also need to be doing things for Lucy, like, you know, spending time with her. If I don't go to bed at 10pm, I'm exhausted and everything is worse. I'm just trying to be a good parent, a good wife, and a good person but it seems like an insurmountable job these days. Things like "make time for what's important" or "prioritize your activities" isn't really helpful - I am in pain all the time, so I need the appointments; I am not a very good mom if I feel depressed and anxious; neither am I a good mom if Lucy is getting ignored.

I've got no answers and I'm sick to death of thinking about it all. Part of coping is not needing everything to be perfect, so I'm working on that too. It just feels like evening went spiralling out of control at once, so I'm sad and anxious and hurting and it's getting cold and dark, and I still have all my own neuroses, plus the general physical and hormonal effects of pregnancy, and I have a toddler to care for too. I'm not letting myself freak out (much) about having TWO babies, because I know that a lot of things will be better when I can take an Advil, have a glass of wine, and get these hormones out of my system. Last pregnancy it was scary to feel all these things and not know if it would go away, but even sleep is easier after giving birth - then I'll only be tired from being woken up in the night, not fatigued and hurting no matter how much sleep I get. Plus, my pessimism totally paid off, because my crazypants labour is something I'm not afraid of repeating (seriously!), and Lucy couldn't be anything but awesome because I was expecting the worst. I know I can be a good mom; it's just taking an awful lot of work right now.